Editor's Letter #10: How to make friends as a grown-up
7 ways to help you get UNlonely, including small talk tips and a recipe for connection
Hello everybody,
As Loneliness Awareness Week comes to a close I wanted to share some advice on getting yourself UNlonely.
Awareness is always the first step, but if you want anything to change, next has to come ACTION.
Our interview with Let’s Talk About Loneliness author, Simone Heng, was actually very hopeful. Yes, we are getting lonelier, but Simone shared lots of ways in which we can mitigate this and get proactive about supporting our social health asap (and if you want to know more about your social health you can take her QUIZ).
Like Simone, I can speak from lived experience when I share advice on how to create and sustain connection.
I have spent my life surrounded by people. Originally, not through choice (I am from a large, blended family featuring 10 siblings), and sometimes to my detriment (I didn’t really know how to be ‘alone’ until my late 30s), but ever since I was old enough to choose who I hang out with I’ve always had a lot of great mates. And I am really good at making friends.
I never used to think of this as a particular skill, or something to prioritise, I’ve always just enjoyed meeting and getting to know people and a lively social life became a natural priority for me.
Over the years I’ve hopped around different friendship groups, picking up - also dropping - all kinds of friends as I travelled the world and climbed the career ladder.
In hindsight, I probably held some friendships too lightly. I have definitely been careless with some people’s feelings. Never intentionally, or out of malice, more out of the idea that there would always be new and exciting people around the corner - for me and for everyone else - me being very much on board with the idea of reason, season and lifetime friends.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Brian A Chalker
I still am in fact (and A Course in Miracles agrees with me), but now, older and somewhat wiser, I understand that I have long taken for granted something that lots of people struggle with, and also - as my time, energy and money now gets sapped by lots of other things - that it’s important to take important friendships seriously.
And so while today’s advice is on how to make more and better friends, it’s also about how to hold on to the right ones.
And - as always - I’d love to know if you have any other tips or tricks or stories on making friends as grown-ups…
Big love from SH HQ.
Toni 💛
👯 7 Ways to Make Friends As a Grown-Up
NB a version of these tips first appeared in an interview I did with Hello magazine for Mental Health Awareness Week in May (How to Make Friends in Your 40s, 50s, 60s).
1. Start small with micro-connections
I recently interviewed , a gentle yoga evangelist with a huge online community of non-traditional yogis (Yoga for Tired People) and her top tip for finding and becoming part of a community is to start small (you can watch our conversation on community as self-care at the link, below).
That could be talking with the cashier at Tesco, saying hello to the postman or chatting with a neighbour.
You don't need to find out their whole life story, but like everything, socialising gets easier the more we do it. Smile at people, start easy conversations, ask questions, listen to the answers and share a bit about yourself."
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2 . Feel the small talk cringe and do it anyway
I know the idea of putting yourself out there and talking to strangers makes some of you absolutely cringe (why make small talk when we’ve got an iPhone to stare at, right?!) but I hope you’re getting the message that connection is good for your health, and - sorry guys - but that connection has to start somewhere.
Yes, it might be a bit icky at first, but the more you do it, the better the interactions will become and the lighter you will feel which will 100% improve your overall mood.
Here are 3 x excellent small talk tips from communications expert and author of The Next Conversation, Jefferson Fisher (as shared in his recent newsletter, I highly recommend signing up HERE).
#1. Say something casual.
It can be about anything—weather, clothes, coffee. Ideally, it’s interesting. But honestly? It doesn’t have to be.
#2. Ask a question of preference.
If you say, “Beautiful weather we’re having,” and they agree, follow it with: “So are you a summer person or a fall person?”
#3. Share something back.
Whatever they say, connect. If they say they love fall, respond with: “I’m with you. Fall all the way. Makes me think of family and football. What about you?” And just like that, you’ve gone from small talk to real connection. You didn’t overthink it. You didn’t overexplain. You just showed up with intention.
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3. Don't be scared of being vulnerable
Most of us find sharing difficult, especially with new people, but it's actually what connects us best.
Opening up and showing vulnerability (without oversharing before a friendship is established) is how we show others that we are human, and that, just like them, we have struggles. It makes us all feel less alone and it makes them warm to us more.
Self-help author and thought leader, Brené Brown, is my favourite expert on this subject (Daring Greatly or The Gifts of Imperfection are both brilliant reads on this).
Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
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4. Make social health part of your self-care routine
Strong social health takes effort, and you really do get out what you put in.
So when you’re feeling physically and emotionally strong, put the effort in to creating and nurturing connections by reaching out so that those connections are there to support you back as and when you need them.
You can follow our expert Simone’s recipe for igniting connection/reconnection:
First a text, then a voice note, then a call, ultimately leading to a real-life meeting.
And staying in touch with existing friends doesn’t need to take lots of time. Research by Simon Sinek shows that an 8-minute catch-up can help someone feel happier, more supported and less alone.
5. Treat making friends like dating
Not every person you meet or group you join will be right for you. So keep looking and try on a few for size. Don't take it to heart if/when something (someone) doesn’t click.
Belong by Radha Agrawal is a brilliant book on finding community, filled with lots of tips on how to find your tribe, including an exercise that suggests listing all the qualities you are looking for in a friend (funny, fit, growth-minded, sober?) and then looking at whether you have those same qualities… if not, it’s time to start cultivating them!
6. Start online
While our expert Simone says that offline meetings are the ultimate goal for close friendships, online groups support plenty of our other connection needs, including giving us a sense of accountability and belonging, as well as the opportunity to meet and learn from like-minded people with entirely different perspectives than our immediate circle. Meeting online suits lots of people in this community, whether they’re living more remotely, are super tight on time, find it difficult to leave the house easily, or get socially anxious IRL. And I’m always amazed by the energy we create and how good I feel after a meetup.
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7. Be intentional
You may already have communities in family and old friends, but are they meeting all of your needs? As life changes and we change so do our connection needs. Take a couple of minutes to assess your connections and what might be missing - do you want to learn new skills? Need a specific support group? Or an accountability buddy to improve your fitness?
Work out what you need and then get intentional about finding it. Treat your Self like a very important project (because it is/you are!) by taking your social health seriously and giving it the attention it deserves.
This is so good, Toni. Making friends as an adult, as an introvert, and without the school gates element is not easy. Brilliant advice in here.