Self-forgiveness Journalling for Beginners

A 5-step guided writing ritual based on some of my recent reads. Perfect for a Sunday afternoon or a full moon.

They say we teach what we most need to learn (‘they’ being Seneca and Oppenheimer, among others, so this advice is probably worth listening to).

And, triggered by an exercise early on in our latest BOTM*, Money, A Love Story, and an interview with its author, Kate Northrup, I realised recently that I need to start practising some of the self-forgiveness I’m so quick to advise others to embrace.

This isn't something that comes easily to me. Historically, stoic self-reliance has been more my jam.

And, despite understanding, learning about, and sharing the power of self-compassion (I've literally read the book and interviewed the world expert on it! - all hail Dr Kristin Neff!) so far I haven’t - ironically - had much success in actually applying it to myself.

*(BOTM = Book of the Moment. We read one book together as a community every 2 months)

I do love to practice - and preach - the Maya Angelou philosophy that we do the best we can until we know better, and then we do better.

And I LOVE a reframe when it comes to changing the emotional charge that comes with certain memories and situations.

BUT - as author Kate counselled so sagely at our community author event (you can watch the full interview on the video below) - we can't always reframe things.

Sometimes they just are what they are (or were what they were).

And so instead of me trying and failing, trying and failing, to find a silver lining in a crazy and chaotic time of my adult life that I generally see as a colossal and heartbreaking waste of time, money, energy (and braincells) perhaps, Kate suggested gently, some self-forgiveness was needed.

And, she added, an excellent place to start is through RITUAL.

When an expert on self-love and manifesting an abundant and amazing life offers advice, it’s a good idea to take it, right?

And so, inspired by Kate and some of my other wisest friends (aka self-help authors - because these books are 100% like friends to me in times of need) I created a mash-up self-forgiveness ritual using the best bits of some recent reads.

Below is the exact process that I - a self-forgiveness beginner - followed at the Spring Equinox and that I promise has left me feeling lighter, happier, more content with today and more at peace with the past.

And so, if you’re having difficulty making peace with some part of yourself or your past, I highly recommend it (and I’d love to know how you get on).

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TJ’s Self-Forgiveness Ritual

1. Write Your Story

2. Get Curious

3. Create a Moral Inventory

4. Let it Burn

5. Support Yourself

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Step One: Write Your Story

(inspired by Money, A Love Story by Kate Northrup)

Identify a part of your life/story want to work on or investigate, and start writing a brief history of what went on and when, covering the big emotional triggers - people, places, experiences. (This book - and my 'story' - was specifically about money, but yours can be about anything).

Once you have the basic facts/timeline down it's time to rewrite the key adverse moments wearing rose-tinted glasses and looking for the silver lining/positives that have come from them. To make this a heroine’s journey.

This is a brilliant and powerful exercise, and for some this will be the end of your journalling (for now), but if there are events/memories that you *can't* find a re-frame for, this is probably where you need to practice some self-forgiveness.

Because sometimes things just suck. And that’s ok. And that’s what we’ll focus on in the next steps

Step Two: Get Curious

(inspired by Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, by Tara Schuster)

With your specific area of re-frame challenge in mind (mine was a rather wild time in my thirties that I’m now lovingly referring to as ‘the lost years’) follow these 5 steps from Tara Schuster’s chapter on ‘Writing it Down Saved My Life’ (originally inspired by Tara Brach's RAIN self-compassion tool).

1. Admit the thought/feeling. Allow it to exist, however petty/huge.

2. Touch all of the feels associated. Time to vent on paper every way this thought/feeling/memory affects you.

3. Get curious. Ask yourself: 'why am I feeling this way?'

4. Commit to a healing action (coming up in steps Three and Four of the ritual).

5. Affirm to yourself: “I am lucky to deal with this issue now instead of letting it fester. The shimmering, platinum lining is......"

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Step Three: Create a Moral Inventory

(inspired by the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book)

I’m not in AA and I don’t ‘work a programme’ but I have had my dalliances with addiction and I take a lot of inspiration from the AA method.

My Step Three is a slight twist on Step Four of the AA 12-step plan to ‘create a searching and fearless moral inventory’.

In the AA version you list everyone whom you resent and who makes/made you angry, but in this case I only resented myself so I listed out absolutely everything I did and thought and felt (that I could remember!) that made me feel bad about this time period.

I was v scared of doing this, but 90 minutes and MANY sheets of paper later I had shared my deepest, darkest thoughts on the page and had magically moved from a mental place of shame and loathing through to grief, sadness, understanding, acceptance and then - honestly - to some glimmers of self-compassion.

Step Four: Let it Burn

(inspired by The Astrology Almanac by Emma Howarth)

Author Kate Northrup suggested ritual as a way to practice self-forgiveness, and astrologer Emma Howarth is the queen of this. She suggests the equinox or a full moon is a great time to let sh!t go.

So once you have your moral inventory, find somewhere safe that you can incinerate your deepest darkest journalling thoughts, light them on fire and watch them burn.

As they catch alight and disappear into the ether, say an affirmation of acceptance, something like: "I love, forgive and honour this part of me. I love the old (Toni) and the new (Toni).”

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Step Five: Support Yourself

(inspired by Self-care for Tough Times by Suzy Reading)

Be sure to up your self-care as you dive into these painful parts of your story.

Your nervous system needs to feel safe, and inviting all these feelings to the surface is hard. But we can do hard things, so let’s just make sure we top up the TLC at the same time, please.

I love the practices shared by Suzy in this book, and in the section on dealing with ‘Change & Transition’ she advises (among lots of other nourishing things): get outside and reflect on the nature of change; eat seasonally; create/use your support squad; climb out of ‘why’ and into ‘what’ by committing to small actions that will help you feel more positive; practice Ujjayi (yogi) breathing; investigate the concept of ‘post-traumatic growth’.

Ultimately, try to remember that you need to feel it to heal it, that you are choosing to feel it/heal it right now for a reason, and to be as kind to yourself as you would to someone you love.

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